The past week, my mind had been filled with phantom anxieties, there yet not recognised or really paid attention to until it invaded my dreams. I dreamt about things not going right, nothing going right. It came to me I have floating anxieties on my mind.

This morning, I lay in bed thinking on it when I turned and saw Jesus mentally. Jesus, help me, I prayed. I found myself thinking of the Lilies in the field…. what He said on it. And thought, – how much I deny Jesus my entire life. As a nun, it was the Godhead I cared about, never really Jesus.

Some years back, I started feeling He is not real. God, I experienced, never Jesus yet I could recall two instances when I experienced Him.

Once when I was on a mountain in Taiwan. I saw the cross with his body on it. Showing off to my sister about not being inhibited, I climbed onto the podium, and kissed his body. I looked up and for a moment I saw Him flesh and blood. I reached up to touch his face and thought, what am I doing? And the spell was broken.

Then a few months back, I told Jesus I never experienced him when I saw him mentally, again in flesh and blood.

I do pray daily, before going to bed, Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like unto thy heart.

It just seems so much more in vogue, going Buddhist route instead of Jesus. Like the educated and intellectuals going Buddhist route instead of Jesus.

Yet in life I strive to walk a straight path to God, not caring what others think or allowing my actions to be ruled by them.