Strength

Ever since I left the monastery, I have been aware of a kind of strength, which would come in when I need it most and hold me up. I was aware of when I was taking care of my mother. Nothing fazed me. After a night when she cried, pleaded, hollered to go home, ragging me non stop through the night, a less hardy soul would never dare bring her to the hospital again. It was what happened with some caring for her. They might take her to the private medical centers but not the hospital. Yet I brought her there twice after that incident.

One area I knew I had to be very strong in, the area where my mother sees things we do not see. My sisters are very afraid of ghosts and spirits hence when my mother started seeing people or babies who were not there, I did not let it affect me though initially my hair would stand on end.

One time it was babies crying out, hungry. “Give the babies something to eat,” my mother told us again and again. Another time it was a woman in the room. My mother told me to tell the person to get out of the room. I took a pillow, threw it out onto the couch in the living room and told her I threw the person out already. My sister and the graduate nurse taking care of my mother were very amused.

One night, it was really spooky. My mother had seen a neighbor woman who died years ago but that night she saw my cousin who died of gastric cancer. She saw the spirits holding a feast and kept asking my sister and niece to give my cousin something to eat and to clean up when the spirits were through feasting. She kept talking about dead people’s meals.

I joked with my sister and her carer that the people she saw were next to the bed I slept at night. I showed not the least bit of fear which helped them in turn. I told them instead, “Let’s say my mother really saw those people dead years ago, so what? They will not hurt us. Why fear?” Yet I knew were I not there, they would be afraid.

The following day, my mother appeared to remember what transpired the night before. She told me sometimes old people can go crazy in the head and did not want to talk about it. The look of unease and fear on her face told me what she was experiencing.

Sometimes I am able to see the strength holding me up, refusing to let me fall. I was most aware of it when I took care of G. I could fell it literally holding me up.

One incident was most marked. I was at the training institute. To make us study hard, the ceo put fear into us. Two weeks into it, I was feeling very stressed. We had a first trial run. I was ready for it, but my instructor did not call me. She called another she felt was ready for it. She was not, she was so nervous, it was painful watching her. I watched her and after a while I could literally see this strength coming into me. I looked at it with a feeling of wonder. Is it real? Is it true? I looked at it wanting it to get hold of me. As it took over me, it came to me there is no need to be nervous. I knew I could do it. That I will practice hard and when it is my turn to do it, I would be as ready as if it were the State exam.

I felt elated and wanted to tell my instructor but what if it is only an illusion? Only time could proven it true. It did and happened exactly as I knew it would. When it was my turn to do the skill test, I execute such a flawless performance, when it was interrupted, my instructor told me she has seen enough and I did not have to perform the remaining 3 skills. I was actually disappointed. I was ready for it. I knew I would have done a perfect run.

I knew when I left, my sister and the carer would miss me but then my brother took over and he is strong. When he leaves, the carer is strong also and for all her “I don’t know” routine, put to it, my sister is strong also.