There was a period of time I really believe it I am good like one of those holy sages. Now, I feel only too human. I did wonder initially if this state is good and then realize this state is in truth, the other an illusion.

I used to seek holiness as a nun. I drove myself too hard and felt I lost it all when I left the monastery. Later, I saw holiness in terms of wholeness, wholeness just appears a more easy goal to attain to, holiness very hard. Only saints attain to that.

I found myself meditating on saints also. We make them saint like. For themselves, they must experience being human same as us and human beings are not perfect. So also they are not.