11-25-18 I arrived at the hospice. The cna told me a patient is near death. She was very restless; afraid to die. I debated about going to her first or finished at the kitchen first. I usually check if coffee needs to be made and cleaned up a bit. I was very relieved to find there was little to do. Five minutes later, I hurried to the nurse. “There’s no need,” she told me, “the patient died”.

I felt a sense of loss, I could have been with the patient till she passed, I missed a good chance. That is what I want to do, sit with the dying at the transition, especially those afraid of dying. I told myself there will be others.

I told the nurse I like to go inside and pray. I read it is a good thing to do when a person dies. I went it, saw the patient, felt my heart beating in fear and beat a fast exit. The patient ‘s eyes were wide open. Mouth hanging open. I told the nurse, “Her eyes are open.” Mentally I thought no one would blame me if I do not go back there.

Just as soon as the thought came to me, I knew I have to go back in. I entered the room, and forced myself to stand before the deceased patient and looked into her eyes. They were dull, no life to them. I sat at a corner and started meditating. I could feel the energy in the air. It drew me deep into meditation. I went into a deep trance. The rest of the day, I felt something big happen. Examining it, I could think of nothing and realized it was likely sitting with the deceased patient.