Recently, I found myself intrigued by hypnosis. I found myself also entering into trance state easily, or almost close to out of body experiences. This morning, I tried it. I started hypnotizing myself. Slowly I felt myself falling into a kind of heavy sleep. I started asking myself why am I this way, why do I have walls which gets erected so fast, protecting me, shielding me by isolating me. I have been aware of this wall. At the first threat of hurt, of being rejected, the wall would go up.

One vivid incident was when I heard one of my sisters had to go for thyroid surgery, and that the nodule on her neck could be cancerous. I was watching a movie at the time. I received the news and instantly went into protective isolation state. I was aware I was holding everything at bay, numbing my entire being so I do not feel. I continued watching yet not really watching the movie. Slowly, in the measure I was able to take it, I let the information in.

Whenever I sense my sisters were going to hurt me, I isolate myself to where nothing they do or say could reach me. One day it came to me, this was likely not normal or healthy. It did show I had what I had always suspected an abused past.

I drifted into heavy sleep like mode and saw a little girl standing up, her whole being encapsulated by a protective line. At the same time, the words came in, “Poor little girl, nobody loves her.” My mind told me that was the reason why, she is encapsulated, insulated from all hurts.

I came out of it and looked back into my childhood. I always thought I had a happy childhood, that my mother loved me. Why then this? My mother did tease me from a young age about being foolish. My siblings joined her, Lily especially engaged in it a lot. It was teasing with love. My mother did love me. I always thought those ribbing caused me to build a protective wall around me to where none of those teasing could get to me.

It was interesting seeing this image. Were I a good artist, I could even draw it.