I learned about money and resident in a painful manner. I had just arrived at the States, around two years after I left the monastery and full of desires to do something for God. One day, across the street from us was a geriactric home. I walked over and volunteered. I knew what I wanted. I told Sister Pat, I do not want to do anything they are able to hire people to do. I want to visit with the residents only. That is something they would not hire someone to do.

Sister Pat was only too happy to sign me up. My first day there, I almost turned tail and ran. The moment I entered, stench met my nostrils. I stayed and after a while got used to it and did not notice it. I visited with the residents, one was a man who cried daily because when one is old, nobody loves one any longer. He was obviously placed there and left there, with no one visiting him.

Several appeared happy enough. One woman loudly told me every time, “Spend everything you have. I saved and saved. What is the use, they take it all.” She was large, walking slowly using a cane.

One of them most dear to me was a gentle elderly woman who would always held my face and give me a kiss. I learned later she fell on her face and died that way. She was a lovely gentle soul.

After a while, I noticed there were some living in rooms by themselves. I forced myself to visit them. I did not like to knock on those doors and visit but full of good intentions, I forced myself to. I came across two women doing that. One was suffering from severe crippling arthritis. Another was a lovely elderly woman with large eyes and family who obviously love her.

The center had something going for Halloween and pumpkin competition. My husband went with me and took some videos of the event. I got him to take some with me talking to the woman. The video was likely nothing much for people there but for me, coming over from Malaysia, it was something great and wonderful.

It came to me, as much as her family loves her, they would love to have videos of those shots of her. There was only one problem. My husband was a very thrifty man, he would never let me have one of those video tape of him for free. I told the woman I could do that for her, except for the fact, I would not be able to get her the video tape for free. She would have to pay for it. On my own, I would have given it to her. But newly married and a bit afraid of my new husband, I dare not do it.

Looking back, the elderly woman has some form of dementia. The stately woman in wheelchair, crippled by arthritis came to me one day and told me coldly, that woman is confused mentally and to leave her alone. Something to that effect.  She was very cold and hostile.

I was horrified, it came to me this woman thought I was trying to rip this elderly woman off when I only wanted to do something very nice for her family. It was very hurtful and I did not know how to defend or explain myself. In hindsight, I should have gone to Sister Pat. She would have understood and explained the entire thing to the woman.

I left soon after and did not go back again. Through the years, that memory stayed with me like a hidden shame, haunting me. Hence once I started work. I know never touch anything to do with money with residents.

I wonder why I did not share it with anyone. It became like one of those episodes in my childhood where I suffered something and kept it myself, haunting me through the years, never sharing it.