I woke up at 5 am and lay in bed, planning my day. I should go to Costco and get that salami I sampled yesterday. It is soo good. But it is fattening, my mind contested. No, I have to get some, it is on sale and a great price. Imagine for the same price I get one of it only elsewhere. At Costco, I will get three. It is fattening, my mind contested again.
As I lay there, I thought of eating that good hotdog from Costco, Clark Howard said it is very good, and it is but each time I try it, I hardly tasted it.
Gluttony, gluttony is a sin and one I do not believe is a sin and still do not. But what is this about food? I am going to train my mind into believing I am not into food. Mind is a powerful weapon. It is possible to train the mind. I trained it to believe I do not like fried food, ugh, so greasy and I do not crave it though I do enjoy deep fried chicken wings.
I am going to train my tongue to enjoy eating carrots. For the first time yesterday, I enjoyed it. I find I like it julienne. I sprinkle some seasoning on it and it is good.
It is a strange thing about weight. I do not like being so close to 150 pounds. 140 was devastating at one time and now I am nearing 150. It seems with every decade, I add ten pounds to my regular weight and it becomes a new normal. I feel like a failure, embarrassed. I think it is likely because I equate weight with control. Hmmm, I should google that and see if there is some abnormalies there. Or it could simply be remnants of anorexics I went through as a nun, going from 130 chubby to skin and bones 75 pounds. It left me once I left the monastery but ever since then, I have been obsessing about weight. It is about control. I am afraid of losing control. I fear – I will stop caring about weight and widen out of control.
I know why confession works, it is confessing to another, bringing something to the fore. Writing it here is like confessing it.
The Quiet Land 