As I sat at the bedside of a woman at the Inpatient unit, I found myself thinking, “I have always been afraid of slow painful dying. I do not have to, not with hospice being available, taking care of me like they are taking care of this patient. They are so thorough and so careful. Helping the patient with palliative care.”  The nurse came in while I was there and gave the patient some shots.

I thought of my mother, she did not have all that and suffered a great deal when she was dying. I ached for her.

I stayed in meditation. Now and again, the patient got agitated and moved, groaned, pushing saliva from her mouth. She appeared out of it, in a state of coma. Not once did she open her eyes. Nor did I expect her to.

One of her hand clenched tightly, gripping the bed sheet, the other open and restless. I moved to hold her free hand, she gripped it tightly every now and again.

I continued meditating and then felt a change in the environment. I felt a connection with the woman. I leaned closer, still holding her hand and meditated, mind and attention fixed on her. The hour went very fast. I bade her good bye and left. As I walked toward my car, I experienced it, the happiness and feeling of well being. My mind freed and my inner being liberated. Such is the effect of experiencing the ineffable with the dying.