My mind repeated back scene I saw in a movie where the daughter cried, “I hate you,” to her father. She said that though she deeply loves her father. I continued reflecting, “hun”, hate, and “tau yen”, dislike. One can “hun” and still love. Love and hate, two sides of a coin. “Tau yen” is something else. Can one dislike yet love? It is hard to love someone one dislikes.

………………

I was seldom subjected to disliking anyone and could not understand the strong dislike my sister had for someone until I experienced it and it was very humbling. It happened with a young woman in my class. From the beginning, I sensed something was not quite right with her. There as a cold look in her eyes, almost mean. She found it hard meeting anyone’s eyes. I was to learn my instincts was not far wrong. She told us she suffers from borderline schizophrenia. I did not mind her at first till she started using her sickness. I have a sister with similar mental illness. I am only too familiar with her using her sickness to control and manipulate. I have no idea if it was due to that but I soon developed an intense dislike of her. It was hard controlling it. I succeeded to some extent, not many were privy to my feelings except for her. She was ultra sensitive. I soon realize the feeling was mutual. She disliked me as well. I sensed she knew I was unto her. The school did not graduate her. She was the only one who did not graduate due to safety issues.

It gave me pause to think. What happen if I meet someone I take a dislike to at work?

There was another classmate I was wary of. He was a suave fast talking young man and charming but I sense a coldness in him also. He would tell us how moved he was over something… I sensed a disconnect between his words and actual feelings. Much later, I learned my good friend there experienced the same. I knew only I would be afraid to be his enemy and steered clear of him. Later I learned he was denied his cna license due to something in his past. The nursing home he worked in let him go instantly.

Being lots older than most of them and easy going, I found myself generally accepted by most of my classmates.

Talking about class – I learned the price of being labeled  “best student”.by my instructor a few times in class. It did put pressure on me. I learned that when we had our lab skilled trial test. I was sure I passed with flying colors. The tester began by telling me how well I perform all the skills then delivered the blow, – she did not see me performing hand sanitizing on two skills which I was sure I did. She took my word on one of them and failed me. It hit me hard because of the expectations. Had I not carried that label, it would not have affected me as badly.