The Inner Path

I am going to write down all the lights and insights I received, starting from recent and going back into the past.

It was later months of 2017. I was driving my client. At the intersection of Grant and Kolb, I stopped at the red light and waited. At that moment, my mind told me, “This is a dangerous intersection. You can get killed crossing it.” I began to pray. I have never done that before. And because of the warning thought, I took extra care. The green arrow came on. Because of the warning, I did not step on the pedal but took time to double check. A car went hurtling by, full speed, honking at me. Had I stepped on the gas, it would have hit us broadsided. And we likely would not have survived it. It was speeding.

A few months prior, I was driving home from work when I saw a red word Brake coming into focus, fading, coming into focus again and fading. I took the car in as soon as I was able to. The car place had told me I needed brake in 4 months’ time. It was not 4 months yet but because of the light-brake, I took it in. I pointed to the spot I saw the light-brake. He told me there is nothing behind that spot in the dashboard. I insisted I saw it. When it was done, at the checking out, he told me he asked the mechanic and there is nothing behind where I saw Brake coming into light and fading. Recounting the incident to my client, she asked if I had the brake change. I told her, after a light of that nature, I would. It is a warning and I would not ignore the warning.

They say to ask the spirit guides in dreams for answers. I asked several days and nothing. Last night I dreamed, there were 4 squares. One was orange in color, two in the shadows and fourth one was green. I found myself working on getting the fourth one.

In my dream, something told me, – you keep wanting to go with the fourth one. It will get you there, but it will take more effort and not as good. The orange one is right there for your taking.

I woke up. There is so many ways to read it. I read it as, my spiritual life so far has been okay, and now I am meandering into strange things like spirit guides and all those psychic curiosities. It could also mean my work with hospice is good enough, working with dogs would be going after the fourth square.

Interesting dream. The first one where I asked my spirit guides for answer and it came in that form.

I have been delving into spirit guides and the like. For several days, I asked the spirit guides to answer me in dreams, the way those videos taught us to. Nothing happened.

Then two days ago, I dreamed there were 4 squares. One on the right was orange and ripe, ready. Two were in the dark and the fourth was green. I went after the fourth trying to get it to work.

In my dream, I was asked mentally, why did I not take the orange one? It is ready and ripe and good. The green one would work too but it would require more work and end results would not be so good.

I took it to mean, my meditation with nothing nothing is good, this seeking about sp. guides and gifts are distraction. It could also mean my work with hospice is good, anything else is delaying. I was asking if I should work with dogs using reiki.

I had a vivid dream. I was at work and gave a bar of choc covered cookie to a little boy. My sister came to see me, I looked at her face and knew something was wrong. I pulled it from her. The company is going to sue me for giving the boy the choc covered cookie. He is allergic to it. It triggered something in him, he might not be able to have children kind of thing.

I looked at the choc covered bar, broken in two and stacked one on top of the other and thought, can they really sue me?

The situation was very grave. I woke up, thank God just a dream.

But I had gone to bed, thinking of a client who mentioned something about tiger balm. I have several bottles at home and told her. I stopped myself from telling her I will bring her one. Before going to bed, I was reminded of it and the dream happened.

Thank you, spirit guides, for alerting me.

This is the second dream with lesson ever since I ask my spirit guides for help.

When I told the nuns that, it sent fear through them. “You cannot trust conscience,” was their belief. “Conscience could be wrong.” Conscience could never be wrong, the something inside which tells  what we should do and should not do.

It was like a period of illumination. After the long dark night of hard times, suffering verbal abuse from the younger nuns, feeling unloved etc, I broke free. First it drove me inside to seek God and then due to that, I broke free and broke free from them.

That period was so illuminating. It was as though a flashlight lit things I should read. They were all about conscience, values, man, truths, Cardinal John Henry Newman.

Where do I start my story, from the beginning?

Childhood.

I wish I remember how I was as a child. My image of myself was being a loner. I refused to kowtow to the queen of the class, Clare, and due to it, I was often ostracized.

What was my earliest memory of God? Our evening walk. Ma would take my siblings and I on evening walks quite often. My fascination were the clouds, it was where God the father, God the son and God the Holy Spirit were. I looked at the cloud formation and tried to decipher which is God the Father and which is God the son etc.

One evening, we went to the Church to practice a new hymn. Firmly I believe and truly God is three and God is one. In my mind, it was the most beautiful hymn we learned.

I had told Janie if she can find someone, could she find someone to fill my shift. I did not hear from her. I was just going to go and endure it if she does not call. However, agt 2 pm, Friday, July 20th, I felt a strong urge to call her. It was the kind I do no ignore, and very positive.

I called and found she was not in. The office sent her to Denver. I muttered about I will go then though I rather not.

I was rubbing Berlina’s belly and started praying to my spirit guides. Please, I do not want to go. I was imagining myself alone with Mr. Joe C., when it hit me, the emotion from nowhere, making me cry. I went to the phone and called the office, hardly able to talk. I told Kelly I could not go. Kelly did not sound happy about it.

I let myself cried and then stopped and wondered if I had pulled a dramatic ploy with the office when my inner voice told me, do not think about if it was sincere or not, think about what caused it. It was not an audible voice but mental. I knew it came from my spirit guide. I did that, I grew serious and let my mind dwell on it. Was it because he forced me to shower him?

And then I remember, Clark Butler. Sexual harrassment of Clark Butler. I was alone in the house and it happened.

Joe C’s first wife left him, his second wife ran away. Why did she run away? Was she afraid he would hurt her. He appeared nice but he was bitter. I left him too. If I had gone to the shift? Would he hurt me? I would not know.

But I was struck by my spirit guides helping me.

Just now I was doing meditation, when I saw the air conditioner pad needs changing. It came from nowhere. Thank you, Spirit guides for reminding me.

There were several I will never forget.

We could not get the duplex rented. One evening, a fast talking nervous woman talked me into renting her the unit. I let her talked me into it. As I got ready to drive away, an urgent voice told to get back down and wrestle the lease from her. I told myself it is too late, it has already been signed. I drove home, dread gripping my heart. It will prove very costly not heeding that voice.

The couple, fast talking and nice, found all avenue to work off their rents and not pay any rent.

One afternoon, I was watching Dateline on MSNBC when a feeling of dread came over me like a big dark cloud coming down on me. I felt my heart gripped with terror. My inner voice told me very clearly, “Get Tim to be the manager. Do not think about it. If you do, you will change your mind. You do not know it now, but down the road, he will save you a lot of money.”

I phoned Tim instantly and accepted his offer to be manager. I had turned it down when he offered. The voice was correct. Due to Tim, the couple ended up paying even late fees of $100. One night they disappeared. I let Tim manage the duplex. He is still doing it.

…..

The other one was a Honda Civic. He located it for me. 10,000 with 10,000 miles on it. It looked a good deal. I went to look at it and liked what I saw. Just to stall for time, I asked the young man casually if he has something to tell me about the car. He started going into fast talking nervous talk. I still did not think of anything.

As I drove out the gas station, a voice told me very clearly, “you do not want the car.” It is right, I thought, I do not want the car. Once I got home, I phoned the young man and canceled the deal.

He did not believe me and did a carfax, the car had been totaled 4 times.

I had long since wanted to get a reading ever since that time, at the flea market, George stopped and just for kicks got Nana, the psychic to give me a reading. Nana told me I will go someplace far in the summer and that my husband will live to 80. My father passed away in June and I found myself flying back. And George did die at age 80.

The moment I heard lupita give reading at the reiki meetup, I know I wanted to see her. I contacted her immediately for a reading. I could not wait.

Lupita has a room, cosy. She started telling me what she does, how she does it. Then she asked me if i like cats. I told her no. Casually, she told there is a big black panther next to me, lying on the floor. He is big and gorgeous with green emerald eyes. That he came half an hour before I turned up. She saw him also at the meetup.

I froze, big black cat. I tried not to look in the direction on my left. That night, I tried not to think of it also. Gradually, I got over that fear and then I laughed. Somehow, a big black panther I was afraid sounds so cute.

She asked me what answers I want. I told her, first I want to ask about my work with the actively dying, if I should sell my house this year and two other questions. I cannot believe I forget them. Oh, going to Ajahn Sarajut as sp. guide.

She told me I have a rare gift with the dying. That I am able to reach them and help them cross over. She told me that is a great gift. From nowhere, she remarked, your relationship with your mother is not all that good, is it? It was actually, until the last five years of her life. Lupita said again casually like it is the most normal thing in the world. “Your mother is here. She is very emotional. She said to tell you, it is not you. It is her fault. She closed herself up,” Lupita crossed her arms in front of her to show how Ma was. “She said due to her sad childhood, she did not know how to be a good mother. She tried but she was not a good mother.”

I told lupita to tell Ma I am sorry I did not do better for the last few years… Lupita said, tell her, she can hear you. I couldn’t, when I could not see her. I went on, she suffered so much at the end.

Lupita said, your mother said it was her blue print, she chose to suffer that way.

I asked her if ma is happy, she said yes and that ma wants me to be happy.

We went to the next topic about hospice, Lupita told me the spirit guides said no need to . join this or that or get this or that qualification, just walk into the hospital and offer my help and my spirit guides will lead me to the patients. She told me that again and again.

Then she asked, does your mother like cooking? I told her, not particularly, why do you ask? She said, because your mother is in your kitchen right now. She moved a plate. You did not notice it. When you go home, look for it. She moves to a room and corridor. I laughed and told her, that is because those are the areas I am at mostly.

I told Lupita there was a time I felt I could enter the spirit world and I slammed the door shut. She asked me why, I told her I am afraid of seeing them. She laughed and told me, “You have a bright light. You do not have to be afraid. Nothing can touch you. My daughter does not want to see also so I teach her to close her eyes and imagine a white board. See on that white board.” I did and saw the word judge.

I asked her about my spirit guide, she told me I have one, an old one who had been with me through many re incarnations. Back to Egypt time. I asked her the name. She asked my spirit guide, then spelled it out, Aura. She told me, she is your higher self….

I asked her if she could see souls of the dead I helped cross over. I seldom do it, she told me but let’s try. She scratched with her crystals and told me a man came forward, fat cheeks, belly laugh. I could not think of any one with fat cheeks, she stressed again and again, fat cheeks and I saw Fr Burke in my mind. He did have a loud hearty belly laugh. She said, you had good times together.

She told me my spirit guides want me to leave a certain relationship, I jumped to the obvious, later I realize it was with Kuei Ying. That friendship was not helping me at all and I believe it is likely quite ended.

She told me my spirit guides asked me to change my place for meditatiion, she mentioned that several times and asked if there is water near where I pray. I told her, the bathroom is next to it. She said, it is not good, and went into something about water etc. I did realize why my spirit guides asked that. I often pray sitting in front of the computer. Not the best place for meditation. Now I move to the living room using a prayer chair.

She looked at the time, it did not move. She said the spirit guides wanted her to talk longer to me because it was working in the morning. The timer did not work at all while I was there. She spent 2 and half hours with me.

She said, your spirit guides said not to judge. I told her I saw the word judge on the white board but dismissed it. I saw how I misuse this gift of insight given me. I use it to judge people all the time.

She asked me what I like to ask. I said how to get into actively dying volunteering, if it is right time to sell no. 12 and K Ying.

Interestingly enough, she started with K Ying. I asked the question, should I end it with K Ying and picked up a card. It said yes.

I picked up three cards from a second stack. First card said, let go, second card said, lots of work and stressful and third card said good will come from it.

We went into selling the house. The cards said New beginnings, that when I sell it I will be prosperous, something about children and holding onto romantic memories and third card was selling it, I would have means to move into different things and enlightenment.

She translated it as time to let it go. She opened her two and showed me timing is the Fall which is accurate.

I asked her what she reads of me, she took out the cards. One was confidence, let go, intuition. Not sure about the real cards, something like that. I lack confidence, she told me to trust in my intuition.

It was quite striking, the card reading. She charges me $30 instead of $45, a dollar a minute. I gave her $50, she accepted $40. She is very nice.

I drove away, light of heart, peaceful and happy. Usually, I would beat myself on something. Today, it was only on fast talking.

I dreamed we were at the hospital. I was with George. I had a plastic bag of trash I laid next to the trash bin, with open mouth. I decided to be nice and tried to close it. An amah came. She saw what I was doing and asked me where I got that plastic bag. It was exactly what they use. I told her someone gave a whole roll to us. She did not believe me and told me she will report me. I thought, go ahead. George turned into Sandra, as much as Sandra pays they would hurt if she goes elsewhere, they did the last two places she left.

Then I dreamt we, Sa, SCW, Koh and several of us piled into a car and drove to Kanowit. SCW took off alone and came back with 6 pots of palm trees. I thought, why six pots, where is he going to plant them, who is going to plant them?

Koh started saying – if I come into a chunk of money…. I thought, he is telling me to give him a thousand. If one time deal, it is different but he will need more and more. This is a hint, he is hinting.

We drove further in to an Iban house. There was a little house there. “It is called Assisi house” someone told us. I looked around, in the old times there were only trees around here, it was a jungle, now there are houses around. The Assisi house sell things to help the Church. There were containers of yam cake, big squares of them. I wondered how they cut them into such nice squares. A young girl came with six big donuts, these were huge. I was hungry and took half and started eating it.

This morning I went to Church as usual, to get my hour meditation before Mass.

I was a bit troubled after reading about Doreen Virtue who turned her back on everything she taught and now it is Jesus for her alone. And here I was, turning to things she turned her back on.

I went to Church and prayed to Jesus to help me. I slowly entered into trance state. At one point, something told me something was happening. I found a Force possessing me, and I entered deeper into that dark void. I reminded myself of what St. John of the Cross taught, in such states, do nothing, the Spirit will work on us regardless. When we tried to do something, we impede it instead.

I noticed I saw seeing purple, very clearly so and remember Michelle Cardenas talking about seeing purple when she closed her eyes. After a while that feeling passed.

What was remarkable about that experience was Something telling me Something was on.

Sa and I went to a store. They have skirts on sale. I wanted to bring home a m and L and see which fits us better. We were heading there when I lifted myself up and float a foot and half above ground. I glided on, and thought, I always knew I could do it. I glided round and round.

We checked out. And dropped a piece of ginger, a shopper picked it up and handed it to us. At the entrance, our items were checked again. My niece, Phine, brought me the ginger which we had left behind and placed it to the left side of the counter. The sales personnel took note of that.

We walked out, I tried walking on air again but found the most I could do was sitting on air, pedaling my legs. I told my sister, it is called levitation.

I never thought of delving into reiki, angel cards, tarot cards, asking spirit guides for help as being from the dark spirits. Instead, I blot any dark spirits etc from my mind. I gabble with the good spirits only.

I watch on you tube on why Doreen Virtue left all that behind and have Jesus only. I watched another video and then stopped. Jesus only is like Catholics canceling out every other religion but their own. I use any resources to reach my goal. Attaining to God. Meditation is my main tool.

So how did I get into reading cards….? That is for another post.

Yesterday, at reiki, I was sitting and dreading performing it when i asked Jesus, why is it so hard? The answer came, “Is meditation hard?” No, then do it like meditation. I have mastered meditation. That was a good insight.

Today at meditation, I am reminded again, secretum meum me, something which I was never able to keep and which the nuns condemned me for. They told me they are something strictly between God and the soul. I never felt it till yesterday when something told me, to keep what I experience to myself. I felt myself going into deeper space.

R, the one I went for hypnosis and found out it was hypnotherapy told me yesterday, she hope to see me again and we could talk about more things. I thought, once is enough. I can do it on my own now. I have been doing self therapy and went in deeper than I did with her.

I was driving down Tanque Verde road, near Chase bank when I thought of the good things that had happened and thanked my spirit guides. I heard mentally, – do not thank us. It is all converging on God. I saw then, everything converges on God.

….

Another insight, last week I was wondering about going into spirit guides and angels and the like and wondered if I am on the right path when I saw Life. Everything in life works toward the Goal, God. It means everything in life. I actually mentally saw ground, moist ground, moist because flexible and things on the ground and the message, everything on this earth works toward God and I could utilize things from it, moving toward God.

I never really notice it but I do have the vision. I see things and with it understand the message. Like that time I was thinking on house no. 12 sales. I saw a tunnel of light opening out to wide spacious space and light.  The message was my house will sell smoothly and my goal to being with the actively dying going smoothly. The former has happen, I am waiting on the latter.

….

Driving from work one day, the spirit told me to be kind to my client. I was okay with her until she lashed out at me one day. For two years, I was so turned off her. Now it is getting better and the spirit reminds me to be kind to her.

…. Another sight, a few days ago, I saw myself with dogs. I was one of them. I saw a vision of a group of dogs, some black in color and I understood them completely like I was one of them. The thing with such visions is explaining always fall far short.

I found myself praying to the Holy Immutable God. Why the immutable?

2nd January, 2020 at around 10 pm, I was lying in bed with a friend and chatting when something told me to look at the top of the TV and at the light. I mused, where is the light from? What is the light? It was the motion light my client gave me. I put it up high, otherwise every time I walk by, it lights up. Up high, it does not. There was no movement and the light came on by itself.

Two week prior, I heard a strange noise coming from the left side of the car. It was just a strange vibrating noise. I rolled the window down and up and still that noise came on. Could it be the spirit guides trying to communicate, I wondered and told them – if it is them please don’t use the car. I would think something is wrong and bring it in.

This morning, end of mass, I mentally heard a click on my right side and felt a presence, my guardian angel.

I dreamed I picked pa up from his work place. It was a dark street by the shop, like a street on market road, Sibu. I parked by the side of shops, there was a staircase going up one floor. It felt so good picking him up, I decided to do it daily. Good thing is, pa got to drive us home.

Pa was happy to see me, ‘let’s est first then go home,’ he said. We did that.

Second day, I was there early, and was going to move the car when I saw pa coming down the stairs. As in dreams, my car was parked one block over. Pa led the way to the car, we had to go round the market place.

Pa suggested we eat first. I was so sleepy I thought, good thing pa is driving us home. I am too sleepy to eat.

I woke up, checked my phone n found lily had called. Later, lily voiced my thoughts, pa knew she needed to talk to me n woke me up.

I was with Betty and family. The sofa in the living room was broken so the family all hide in their rooms. The sofa was green in color and old. A workman broke it and it had yet to be replaced. I told Betty she should get a new one. She said her kids prefer to hide in their rooms than be with their father, who was my father. I told her to do it or later she will regret not spending some time with her father. At least do it for a bit after dinner, I told her.

But we could not buy the sofa, shops are all closed with covid 19.

I went to the bedroom, water was leaking out. But if I closed a valve then it stopped. Later, it came to me if the water stopped upstairs, it does not mean it is not leaking downstairs. I went to check, two areas were leaking water, jet of water coming out. Water to the entire house has to be closed.

The house turned into no. 12. I thought, oh no, I just sold it, why did I come to visit so soon after I sold it to the new owners who turned out to be Jim and Maggie of house no. 7. Now I would have to pay for it. Whereas if I were not there, the new owners would be responsible.

I woke up. I did sell no. 12 and shortly after, the pipe did leak water. I got lucky it did not happen on my watch.

I dreamed there was a little snake, med size, fat and skin color. It was a happy snake, a pet. I felt a bit squeamish and did not want to touch it. Something told me, it was fine, it is a nice snake. I squeeze its head but could not bring myself to touch its body. I thought, in real life, a snake like this, I would be terrified.

….

The other dream. I had a book that was very good and I was going to give it to that person when I thought, it is precious to me, it might not be to that person. I better not give it to her.

Then I was driving on a road very rocky, looking for a shop. I finally pulled in and thought, this is the wrong shop. I was sure it was right here but it was not. And then I found myself in the shop. I told the shopkeeper, last time I was there, I brought two books. I want those two books back and need to buy something else.

They were vivid dreams.

I dreamed I volunteered to teach a class of little kids. The assistant was there, trying to help me. I wished she was not there. I could not work well with someone there. I started off without any formal teaching. She brought out test papers which we had to make copies of. Without teaching, how does the class doe the test? I told her it was the first day and I was not going to teach from books but would just talk informally. A parent came also and now I had two people in the classroom.

I told Janie I like to quit. Janie said I had quit others and it is a good idea to stay with it. I told her if I am alone in the class, it would be alright but there were two adults in the class and I do not work well with someone else in the class.

I never got trained to teach, I said and woke up.

Silent stress. One can get so used to dealing with it by suppression and doesn’t realize one is under stress until an urge to scream threatens to surface. And one realize all it would take is one trigger to tip one over the edge. And so I sit on the lid, keeping it suppressed until I can vent it out. For now, breathe in, count to 4. Hold breath count to 7. Let it out at a count of 8. Do it three times. Three sets if necessary.

Four years after I entered the monastery, one day I entered into what was like a period of enlightenment. It was like a flashlight shone on things I should read. I read avidly on anything that has to do with conscience, values, man etc.I started proclaiming, “I want to live led by the light burning in me.” Translated, led by the Holy Spirit. I was full of Cardinal John Henry Newman. I went into the documents of Vatican 11 and saw his face there.It was an exciting period of my life but with consequences. Until then, I was a died hard traditional, rejecting everything that was new. I was a defender of the old. But the book, Development of Christian doctrine by John Henry Newman opened my eyes.

There is something called progress. What was termed progressive and held in suspicion was nothing but development of Christian doctrine. I would not go into consequences, suffice to say, after that I was alone, going against the main stream. After that, I walked my own path to God …… which inevitably led me out of the monastery. A path I continued walking to this day, toward God, my one goal in life.

A few months ago, it came to me. It takes me 44 years to live closer to my goal, walk led by the light burning in me. That light, the voice of the Holy Spirit, is the inner voice. Do this, don’t do that. A few times it was more marked, “This intersection is very dangerous. You could die crossing it,” the inner voice warned. I thought, so true and started praying. The green arrow came on, on a normal day, I would have stepped on the gas pedal and shoot across, that day I took another look, – a truck went speeding full speed through the red light. Had I crossed as the light turned green, it would have hit me head on.

I flared out today at my siblings. All day, i felt off. Examining it, I found I felt sad, my soul crying. I prayed n heard the words, – it is good you are sad, this sadness will lead to conversion.

I saw the way I had been, hard n arrogant in my truth. Yet I had been so wrong in my truth. Do not judge, I saw that with lupito the psychic.

Dianne said my guardian spirit wants me to heal myself n others with crystals. I am holding one n healing.

7-9-21

Today I opened my heart.

For years, I closed my heart, protecting it. Keeping me safe. I built a wall around it. At the slightest of warning of hurt, the walls went up, keeping me insulated, out of reach from all hurts and suffering.

For days now, I avoided watching a gaia video called The power of the heart. I watched it and felt my heart and began crying as I opened my heart.

Ra Ha Sha had told me about blocks. I told him I have no blocks I am aware of. He told me July I will get a little breakthrough. First it was seeing – my fear of self and now an important one, opening my heart. I will open it. I will not fear pain, hurt, suffering. I will embrace them.